Sunday Morning

Woke up with the phone, well I wanted to sleep really late today but looks like I cant.

So got up and saw several messages on my phone, how did I sleep throughout the night like dead.

But don't we all sleep like the dead?

A few days ago, I used to get scared of the nights, it was when I was actually alone, it was when I didn't have to pretend, it was when I had to face my emotions, it was when I had no where to run from what I really was going through.

but over the days, I seem to have come to terms with my own fears, my fears make me sleep now, it gives me comfort and the pain is not riding there anymore .

I have reached a stage of tranquility and serenity....I realized nothing really matters.

I just cant seem to write today....there is a certain block in my head, a numbness in my hands and a dryness in my words...

I think I should stop..

well...this is the SUNDAY MORNING....I guess...

DYING...

When I opened my eyes, it was being shut again, 
When I tried to speak, someone strangulated me.
what was happening?
I could hardly remember what was it? what really had happened? where was I? what was I doing?
Friday night, I remember myself, dancing, remembering those steps and then the next thing was a flood of tears, when it all flashed before my eyes...that smile, those eyes, those fingers.
I loved those hands, there was something in it....the warmth and the coldness,both together and it spoke the world when he held it with mine and promised the world. "wait for me,I will make every moment worth it"
The  vultures hovered around me,the witches screamed and danced around with the vultures, the air was dark and smoky, the room was blackness personified.
They all cheered together, it was time to come to the embrace of what death was offering me...
a time of peace-
                  away from the chaos and the cries of my soul, 
                  a time of solidity, a time of permanence, 
                  a time away from all the pain.
I so badly wanted it, I so badly wanted the comfort which deaths ice cold hands were offering me. 
So,...... flushed the toilet of all traces
and with a smile, remembering those marble eyes, I slipped off and slept.
peacefully drifting, drifting away, sailing away....far away to the land I was promised by death and the vultures.
Will I ever see your face again?
Will I ever hold those hands?
little did I care...i was drifting away...silently... peacefully....blissfully.....
until ...
never to be able to go back to sleep again.

SELFISH....a way of living for some...or for me...

That's what u got to be...I have heard it a lot of times, never believed it..never really thought that was the way to live, selfish and self centered...
well..I have my own story to tell why it really works that way....why it works to be selfish and not selfless.
In a way, everyone is selfish, but not all are so selfish like some:
who literally murder and yet not bat an eyelid,
they kill and yet move as normal as can be,
they stab and yet they smile like a god,
they lie and yet profess to say nothing but the truth,
they use and abuse yet seems the most gentle.
These are people who u felt was seen only in the movies but they exists, right here, right near us, right next to us...plotting every move, ever step in a way that only they can win and u will never even suspect the plot.
carefully......one should tread.....
One might just find that u have been stabbed yet so clean would be the cut that for a long time one won't even notice that u have been cut.
Then the wounds remain ,deeper than the memories, deeper than the seas, deeper and dirtier than the filth that was lashed out at you.
After the wounds heal, the scars remain, never to be healed, better to be hidden.
The moment the scars are healed, u realize its a keliod, bigger and uglier and nastier.
At the end of the day, the question still lingers...WHY?
why do people use and abuse?
why do people hide behind the facade of innocence and tell so many lies?
why don't these people realize that the other one is also just a human being who feels as much pain as anyone, who feels as much emotions as anyone.
The worlds of selfishness and selflessness seamlessly merge into one and again, here I am- a confused deluded human being...
still trying to find the truth and the meaning behind all the DECEIT....

FRIENDS... a tribute to my beautiful friends!!!

Did I tell u that I LOVE U....when was the last time I told u that?
How did I not even realize that no matter what I did, or no matter how damn stupid I was...u were there for me...thick and thin
non-judgemental...loving me ever more than before.
u tell me what a nice person I am, but did I ever tell u that u are the beautiful soul...
I don't even rem' when was the last time that I was there for u?
when was it that I took my time to be there for u?
when was it that I forgot my "selfish" self and came for u?
I don't even remember being the good friend forget about being the best friend.
I am overwhelmed by the affection u feel for me, that's so "UNCONDITIONAL"
U never judged me, u never hated me, u never felt jealous of me, u always trusted me to be the best.....
and for making me realize what u are, I bow down to one selfish man who made me realize I have such beautiful friends around me, making my life richer and more meaningful.
I cant promise u that I will not go back to being my "selfish" me...
but from today, I will try to be a better person...try to be like u...try to love like u love me.
for today and forever more....in the journey of this life,I will try even harder to be like u, beautiful inside and outside.
How could I ever thank my stars for bringing u in my life....
for me....having u in my life is....knowing that even before I can even cry my first tears, u would be there to wipe it away...but I will love u like the sun...always shining ....even if ts dark, u always know that its somewhere shining for u....
I love u.....

Why....Again..

Just as the phone rang, the emotions surged, just as the words flowed, the memories all flooded.
Loving you was like running as fast as I can, when the time and the space and the self all merged as one and then it was a moment of oneness with the open space.
Why would u come back again, to haunt me.....
It took me so long to be who I am and now I don't want to be who I was.
Why would u want to take me back to that darkness again...
It took me so long to find sunshine
Why would u want to see me cry again...
It took me so long to smile with a smiling heart...
Why are u calling again....
Why are u ..."you" again...
Just as I close my eyes,thoughts lash against the shores of my mind, at times washing away all the memories with it and at times baring all the hurt etched on the sand....
I would never know cos I never knew till now.

leaving......

Her heart felt like it could crumble into a zillion pieces, if it was ever possible. His words like ice-picks ripped through her chest and deep into the soul;stabbing it again and again till it was emptied and nothingness flowed out of it.

He left her- slit eyes filled with tears, soot becoming red, gulping air and hurt, all at once, none at all. The tall dark man with the marble eyes disappeared among the purple orchids and the shy rhododendrons, never to turn his back, smile his melting smile and mock her with his eyes.

There was no cry, no howling, just deep tears flowing deeper and deeper, she stood short but head held high, statue eyed just like the first time they met in the soot filled kitchen where the devils made designs.

There was no goodbyes, no explanations, she just stood watching him shuffle away, the winds had stopped, the clouds didn’t move, the whole universe paused all at once; to reflect what decision it was on how many lives.

The voices of the night kept her awake, his words, each letter larger than life,she stared empty into the darkness!!!

The Morning

It was a cold sunny morning when the rays of the sun streamed through the fog like sharp bamboo shoots shooting right through slicing the fog and spreading white blood and sketching a  mysterious sight. The fir trees hid among the white and unsnowy fog, playing hide and seek with the rhododendrons. The dew on the tip of each branch held on to dear life as if the very moment the sun found them, they would disappear and before they vanished there would be the most magnificent mesh of colors any eyes would lay upon.

The clouds had always intrigued her, the various shapes in an instant it changes, it’s just like life she always used to think, the life and it chances and the meetings.  

There she lay on the grass waiting for each of that white cottony flakes merge with each-other and kaleidoscope into something beautiful and wild and yet go free the moment it became one. How long would it take for the heart to stop that searching and yearning for something which was indescribable.....

the beauty of the morning lost in the depths of her thoughts!!!